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October 25th, 2008
June 17th, 2008
04:04 pm
Because I'm a sucker for pawns... I mean puns:
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April 24th, 2008
10:18 pm
An old post transferred here from somewhere else...
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Some of my dreams leave a residual imprint on me. Some kind of feeling, a certain memory that is almost, almost believable. Like I actually lived through that occurrence. Last night it involved this Irish ruffian - he was a part of a gang - brothers, whether in blood or not - and he and I had just begun dating (though, in the dream it was more solid than just dating... I was "his girl"). He felt I was too privileged and therefore saw the need to cut holes in the heel and toe of my shoes with a rather large pocket knife, subsequently nicking one of my toes. When I complained of the pain and blood, he tossed the apparently closed knife to me and ended up just missing my left eye, the exposed knife point leaving a small mark on my cheek. This being Dream-world, I found none of this cause to walk out on my Irish boy. Instead, I went out with him and his cronies and their respective lady friends to a place filled with grand, winding staircases. I remember thinking to myself "I don't want to go home with him... I don't want to spend the night with him - it will be our first night together and I really don't want anything to do with it." But that wasn't the only thing I was fretting over ... my best girl friend from high school had just started dating a boy some years her junior and I was admonishing her for that, feeling guilty myself because I had introduced them. Come to find out, they had met a month and a half (specifically "dating for 45 days") prior and had set it up to only look as though I was the party responsible for their meeting. And all I could think was "Geez, I hope she makes sure he wears a condom."
It's just the strangest thing when real life - people we actually know - get introduced into dreams. It lends some eerie credence to an otherwise fantastical state.
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March 2nd, 2008
01:15 pm
Attempting, once again, to de-clutter... I'm currently importing CDs onto my laptop just to get the physical disks out of the damned way. My living room, along with the master bedroom, has served as a storage area for the past, what, year now? It would be one thing if everything were neatly stacked in boxes, but very little is. Framed photos and portraits are leaning - art-side down - against walls. Stacks of old, insignificant paperwork waiting for the shredder are huddled under the coffee table. Ancient vinyl albums, so many of them, are adding new layers of dust to their covers every day. There are a few boxes out, dedicated for my old (and oft-unfinished) journals and the feel-good drop-off point known as the Salvation Army, but they comprise only a fraction of a fraction of what I feel I've accomplished in this... "transition."
I am stumped all too often. And unmotivated, depressed by the entire situation even more so than that. There's still a little bit of that magical sentiment, associated with my mother, attached to almost everything in this house. Even those things which I acquired after I moved out for college.
In more uplifting news, I got the vacuum up and running and now have a dust-ball-free hallway and debris-free staircase.
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March 1st, 2008
09:30 pm
I have no knack for writing. I never have. Can't seem to wrap my head around fully bringing out concepts, flinging thoughts here and there, and then packaging it all together into a clean bundle, tying it up with some red string, a little bow on top (or at the bottom of the page, as the case may be).
It's before 10pm on a Saturday. When I was younger, I would feel pathetic, sorry for myself, for being at home on a weekend night. But there was a part of me that enjoyed it, that wanted to be home... of course, that part of me could never admit it to itself, or the rest of my other parts. And now that the case is that I do in fact want to stay in - more often than not - and am in full awareness of that desire, I wonder if I shouldn't feel pathetic for indulging in this hermit-like state.
I had a decent workout this afternoon - if I could just always get my head in the game... getting it to just not dawdle...
I picked up a new vacuum this afternoon on my way home from the gym. It's still in pieces... because I can't seem to get the first screw through the hole in the base that's supposed to line up with the hole in the back portion of the cleaner compartment. Thoroughly discouraged, I went on to install the remaining knobs in my kitchen cabinets. Following that, I swept (I would have rather vacuumed), did laundry, cleaned myself up, and ate. Finished "The Master Builder", thought a bit more about an upcoming assignment, did some more job searching.
You know, if I could just put everything in boxes and somehow be done with it. There are some things I think I'm ready to sell. Some things I think I can finally donate. Other items - those weird and bizarre things you just don't know what to do with... well, I still don't know what to do with them. Massive items - either in size or significance - that I don't think anyone else in the family will want, but yet with an expectation (very likely unfounded) that I should hold onto them. Storage unit? *sigh*
Now, where's that little piece of red string...?
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February 29th, 2008
04:54 pm - thoughts and updating
I'm on hold. The implications of that statement are too far-reaching, it's almost funny (really, what can I do but laugh? I've prolonged this process, I'm the one who's held off on major decisions, I'm the one who's been afraid...). But at this very moment, I'm on-hold with the carpet installers. I have to set a date. A date. *Update: they must not have liked the looks of me... it was a bum number... eh. Now I'm back on track, I hope, with the number I need.
Classes at Studio are back in session. We're a couple of weeks in and loaded down with assignments. It's fine. It's what I love to do but I still get the feeling sometimes I'm just a small-time player in reality. That since I'm happy just acting, I don't have the cajones to go for the brass ring. Who knows? I've never really tried. See?
The trees we (well, Friend, really) planted a few weeks back seem to be doing ok but I'm concerned the snowy/icy weather we had recently may have done some damage. It's hard to tell at this point, though - they are pines after all. Oh, but all the beetle grubs I encountered while digging... ugh, I don't mind bugs, really, and actually try to become familiar with them when I see them, but little white squirmy things... I just... can't deal.
I've found I really like being in the Bird House at the National Zoo, specifically, I find the Indoor Flight Room quite calming. I do wish it were bigger, though... seems to make sense to give the birds more room to stretch their wings, no? Nonetheless, I just like losing time in there.
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February 18th, 2008
10:56 pm
In a terrible, terrible, foul, no-good mood. OK, that's a bit of an overstatement. But I've felt this pull since perhaps Saturday night... something I haven't felt, a funk I haven't been in, for a long time. It's been a nice vacation, one I hadn't even noticed I'd been on... thanks. I hope this crappiness is short-lived. I'm not holding my breath, though...I know better. I start class up again tomorrow (and have been wracking my brain on this first assignment) so the effects of this mood can go one of either two ways: I get so wrapped up in the class that the moodiness gets suffocated into (temporary) oblivion or I become more hermit-like and resent not having each and every non-work moment to myself. It's something I've done many times before. I'd like to approach it differently... I hope to. Be more proactive, stay busy. It's a nice little dream and everyone has to have goals, right?
Fun, fun ride, folks.
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Though I did manage to "cut" an outline with a shovel and did manage to fill in one hole with dirt and conditioner, Friend essentially planted the three trees we'd picked up at Home Depot on Saturday afternoon. My many requests (and then demands) that the neighborhood kids stop playing football in the yard having failed, Friend suggested "obstacles" in the form of plant life... trees. So it was off to choose from HD's slim pickins of saplings. I admit, I went with the ones that were least expensive. But having to plant trees solely for the purpose of keeping kids from wearing down the grass completely rather than for ornamental purposes, I really don't feel so bad about not spending $100+ for a tree. Truth be told, though, I totally would have bought the one magnolia they had out for sale if I could have justified forking over the cash for it.
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February 5th, 2008
01:37 pm
- Ran last night. And my knees are complaining loudly about this. It used to be my left knee that gave me the most guff ...a weird back-of-the-knee soreness that prevented (and still does) me from keeping that leg bent for any significant amount of time, lest I be met with jolts of pain upon straightening it out or standing up. But last night and now today, both backs-of-knees hurt. I slept with my legs propped up on a pillow last night on which I kept a heating pad, hoping that the warmth might loosen up the tightness.
- Do you know how hard it is to find yogurt that is both fat-free and made WITH real sugar?!
- Shoving a spoonful of late-night-dinner cereal into your mouth is an awful, awful way to discover you accidentally bought fat-free buttermilk instead of skim milk.
- I wish I was a gambling woman: I suspected the Giants would beat the Pats on Sunday (not that I necessarily follow the sport) and would have laid down money on that bet.
- Help, please: I've had several companies/staffing agencies email me back requesting that I re-send my resume in Word format, which I had done so originally from my Mac. I don't know why this is happening, why a Word doc is not being able to be opened. Anyone?
- I've cut back a bit on my meat consumption. Not that it was ever great to begin with. But if you've read The Family that Couldn't Sleep you'll understand why. I really shouldn't read material concerning medical/biological issues...
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February 1st, 2008
January 27th, 2008
08:40 am
Browsing through the real estate page on CL, I get a bit discouraged when I see a home for sale in my area, roughly the size of my own, priced below $300K. Ouch.
Fruits of labor are not always aesthetically pleasing. Take for instance the slight bit of happiness I experienced earlier this morning when I encountered the collection of for-the-trash, for-recycling, and for-donation piles I'd put together throughout last evening. I certainly could have done more in my frenzy of domestic maintenance - in addition to what I like to call "shrink-wrapping" my windows (yes, as I was reminded by the Home Depot employees, I'm making a very late start on this project), re-shelving many, many books (and making a feeble attempt to alphabetize them ...note to self: make sure to have all books in your possession with you in the same room before you try to categorize them), returning power tools to the utility room where they belong, giving up sentimental notions and chucking items into the aforementioned piles (and there's still so much more to deal with) - but I began to get discouraged... though it *was* progress (as I was reminded by Friend) it didn't look like much. And who knows whether or not I'll find the same motivation today. I hope so.
My coffee could be stronger. I want a comforter cover, preferably in red. I want a new bookcase. I need a new vacuum cleaner. I need a large filing cabinet. I'm hungry. There's a running meet-up tomorrow morning at Dupont at the unforgivingly cold hour of *gulp* 6.30... do I have the mental fortitude to convince myself to go?
Overwhelmed sometimes.
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January 25th, 2008
01:24 pm
I went for a run yesterday. I needed it more than I wanted it. But that's the way it goes with me... the more I'm out of it, the less I want it, the less I want it, the less I do it, the less I do it, the more I need it. And so on... And on that front, I've had a few replies from my CL post looking for a running partner, but they've all been from men. Now, I didn't specify in the posting that I was looking strictly for a female partner, nor did I specify my own sex (hopefully preempting anyone out there with lascivious, non-running, tendencies... seriously, why bother?!), but perhaps I should have. The idea of running with an unknown man is a little sketchy to me... sorry to all the males who read this, but I have to defer to the knowledge of my own physical weakness on this one - likely the only ways in which I could overpower a man are (1) if he's already bound and gagged (2) if he's passed-out (or otherwise similarly non-responsive) or (3) if he lets me. Seeing as how these are men responding to an ad about physical fitness, well, I doubt any of those scenarios are going to figure in... and if he suggests nos. 1 or 3, then I won't need a partner... the creepiness will send me running and running hard.
What else. Hmm... not much. Gig on Wednesday night was good. It's nice when people get close to the stage, like they don't want to miss a thing, regardless that the view from the back of the room isn't much different from the front, the place is so small. Took Ms. Lora to her post gig activity at 18th Street Lounge, had a nice chat about similarities in our lives and how we deal with them. I'm constantly amazed at this woman's seemingly unwavering devotion to attending her friends' events, her constant smile, her indefatigable energy. Seriously, woman could bottle some of that up, sell it, make a fortune, and retire EARLY!
Oh, in addition to my running partner search, I'm looking for photographers... specifically ones who have some experience with headshots, but not so high up on the food chain that they wouldn't want to do some experimental stuff, too.
Any recommendations?
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January 16th, 2008
06:46 pm - go go go go go
tired. sooo tired. and now it's time to go on - wrapped up many many weeks of late tuesday nights in acting class and the good people at studio have told me that i can move forward.
i will breathe for a little while. maybe do my body some good, treat it well and get back to the gym. it needs it. *i* need it. my back hurts, my knees hurt, i'm sleepy, my mood needs a picker-upper, been drinking wayyy too much coffee... all those wonderful things that come along with not getting enough physical activity.
my eyes hurt. the strain of looking at a computer all day long. band rehearsal tonight, a gig in Arlington tomorrow (the last gig at dr. dremo's, or so i hear, before they tear the place down to make room for... what else... condos).
and so goes it all.
still job hunting. still want to stay with my current job (and bossman is quite well aware of this).
want to see iceland in the winter dark.
some good freinds getting married this year. more excuses to buy pretty things to wear.
my head hurts. and i'm going to get back to work.
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January 8th, 2008
12:22 am - I am...
I am...
still fighting a cold
glad i went for a run earlier
full of Greek-salad-with-salmon-from-the-Diner-followed-by-Hershey's-chocolate-bar-with-almonds
nervous, so nervous about tomorrow's interview
wondering whether the cleaners can press my blouse and slacks in time for aforementioned interview
missing a somebody
sleeeeeepy
always finding something to clean
still looking around for other positions
not really wanting to leave my current job
going to bed soon
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January 4th, 2008
12:47 pm
I am generally an anxious person. It may not come through when I'm with people (well, most people - there are a [not-so-lucky] few who get to see me as I typically am) as they tend to divert my attention away from myself. It's a nice break... and you'd think I'd be more social just for that reason. I'm usually finding something to fret over; it's not a pleasant way to handle things, you know. I know when it started. And certainly it's been worse. But it's still a hassle at best. It makes me steer away from things I think I'd otherwise enjoy - simple things, indecision is par for the course (and, man, can that be a b*tch), focus sometimes gets shoved to the back of the line. I'm trying, though. Trying to calm down. Trying not to wring my mental hands so much. What do you do? How do you cope with your mind's unnatural ability to focus on the negative? Any tips? Hints? Anyone?
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December 31st, 2007
06:37 pm
So, here I sit, New Year's Eve, on a red futon/couch in the city, eyes heavy for some unknown reason. I have plans tonight. And in preparation I should go downstairs to the little liquor store and pick something up. I still want to get to the gym. I just downed a bowl of cereal, trying to calm an empty stomach. A weird hunger, really: I had, about 30 minutes before leaving the house to head into the District, a huge bowl of veggies. Eh.
There's a New Year's Day brunch tomorrow to attend... the question is should I bring something sweet or something savory? I'm somewhat attached to the idea of making scones...
It amazed me how dark it was at 5.45 this evening... I'm accustomed to light's seasonal fluctuations but for some reason tonight the winter early darkness struck me as odd.
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November 21st, 2007
06:56 pm
Oh, what have I gotten myself into? See, now, I like to cook, really, I do ...despite what my actions (and my esteem about the whole thing) tell anyone... I find it enjoyable, so long as I have a plan ...or, barring a plan, plenty of ingredients with which to improvise. I bake more than I cook and, well, that's not saying much. The only time I really ever do any serious grocery shopping is when Friend is coming over. And, for a few days, it's quite nice: I have left-over meats and cheeses and chocolate and all sorts of goodies in my fridge and pantry. Otherwise, it's a light dinner of veggies or salad for me when I get home late at night.
Now, having said that, I'm sitting here facing my day tomorrow - Thanksgiving Day. And it will involve mostly the kitchen. Somehow not only have I volunteered to bake a pie for dinner, but I insisted on making cranberry sauce all the while forgetting I'd also said I'd make mashed potatoes. In addition to dinner, I am supposed to stop by a friend's place for her traditional Orphan Thanksgiving for hors d'ouvres and am planning out what to bring for that.
This is like... well, it'll be a good challenge. Mostly a logistical one, but a challenge, nonetheless.
Oh, and did I mention I have this insane idea that I'll make a 9am spinning class tomorrow? Ha! I really crack myself up!
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10:52 am - Job Application
I'm thinking of applying for this job. I mean, if they can overlook the fact that I'm under 5'6", I'm outside of the age range, and I'm not Chinese, I think I stand a decent chance, I really do. The whole "stand[ing] [there] quietly" thing might be an issue, but I'll work on that.
Help wanted, apply within.
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November 12th, 2007
04:31 pm
sometimes in life there are no strings connecting what should seemingly be connected. it's not coincidence, it's not serendipty. it's just the workings of what it is. this entry is one of those things (and i'm writing for my own memory). it could be posted in a bulleted list, like a shopping list ...you need flour but that has nothing to do with the lettuce you need and the lettuce has nothing to do with the rock salt you have to get and so on...
my stomach is growling in a form of frustration - i just put a huge bowl (ok, two) of steamed veggies on it after having not had anything since last night's salad. and my version of steamed veggies always, always involves vinegar in one form or another. hence the upset tummy.
i spent last week tracking down a bottle of spanish wine - 2005 agro de bazán (granbazán) albariño - i'd ordered with dinner the saturday before. i contacted the restaurant for information on their distributor, i checked local wine sellers' websites, i checked on-line wine sellers' websites... none of this produced the wine. finally i went to the source and looked through the agro de bazán website. i discovered that the wine is also called verde and that there were two local distributors; i contacted one of them and promptly received an email with the assurance that, while they could not sell to me directly, they would research their local carriers. in the meantime, I popped into a DC wine store, one i used to visit when i worked in that part of the city, to see if perhaps they carried the albariño. they didn't (because it is relatively unknown and usually prices at about $20< a bottle it wouldn't sell well, i was told) but they contacted the distributor to find out the shelf price (less than $18) and said they would start carrying it for me. shortly thereafter, i got an email from the local distributor; they tracked down a retailer who had the wine in stock... i made my way to the seller and bought two bottles, one as a host gift, another as a birthday gift. if you can find it, i highly recommend getting yourself a bottle or two.
i sometimes feel more like a player in other peoples' lives than the central role of my own. it's a lost, very lost feeling.
i read quite a bit this weekend about an icelandic/viking woman who some believe was one of the first people (and certainly the first woman) to discover the "new world."
i've scheduled an estimate for carpet installation - the woman i was working with was clearly still training as she pushed very hard a carpet to consider for installation (interestingly enough, it wasn't an expensive carpet) and, though asked for assistance from her co-worker, would swat her away when she felt as though she was getting too helpful. i didn't mind, i took it in stride, it was just interesting to see someone allow others to see them act in that manner.
i went in search of a new courier's bag. nothing formal, fancy, or expensive. but the simple canvas one i've had for two years is beginning to show signs of wear. i hopped over to a department store i typically avoid due to its cluttered set-up and long lines and found myself getting very disoriented. i can't tell whether it had something to do with the sensory overload or the fact i hadn't eaten in 14 hours. all i knew was that i needed to make my purchase (not a bag, unfortunately) and get out of there.
if you're telling your kid to stop hanging on you and you play with him in one breath and chastise him for being a kid in the next and i shoot a nasty look your way when he knocks something over - like a metal sign stand - it's not because I "[don't] like [him]" as you tell him, it's because you allow him to wear those wheels-in-the-heels shoes in a crowded department store and then expect him to stand still. mister, my look was for you.
"heat index" has become "wind chill."
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November 5th, 2007
11:02 pm
*Finding ways of organizing the few (relatively... I am a girl, after all) bath products in my shower without installing permanent porcelain shelves to the stall tiles meant I finally had to get a corner unit tension pole. In the end it worked out but damn, the spring included with the unit (it's "assembly required") was just too long ...so I rigged the poles together without inserting the spring (to be taken to a home improvement store at a later date for cutting... I've got nothing to do the trick) into the tension pole at the top. The entire thing is just about long enough to reach from the bathtub ledge to the ceiling so long as the dishcloth I wedged underneath the bottom stays in place.
*So tired. Headachey tired. In a weird place earlier today - while I had options of being active (gym, meeting a friend for happy hour, even toying with the idea of sitting myself down at a quiet bar or café somewhere and doing some reading), I couldn't decide which I wanted more, so I went home. At times, times like this, when the options all look equally inviting, I sometimes just have to flip the "autopilot" switch and head in the opposite direction. It is, in a strange way, a means to calm.
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12:57 am - A room with a view... of office buildings
( Two more )
These were taken from our room at the Omni William Penn in Pittsburgh. Of course, this was not the only view from the room... I have no idea why I didn't get any pics from the other windows. You know, to be honest, I'm not sure I remember what was outside of those other windows... a concrete plaza with a fountain or a sculpture, perhaps? I don't recall. These structures held my interest far more. You just don't see buldings like this in DC, and I don't mean height. As far as I'm aware, nothing in the modern architecture in the District looks anything like this - the small, school-bus-like windows of the building on the left in the first picture, the metalic sheen of both of the buildings' facades. I'm quite fond of those tiny windows, though - they remind me of something futuristic; they're uniformly cute, in a bizarre, cultish kind of way. I'm also really digging the plant in second window up of the building on the right in the first picture... these shots were taken on the Sunday we were leaving P'burgh and everything about that plant just says "Sunday": "Yup, just me here on a Sunday afternoon... waiting for my person to get back on Monday morning... hope he remembers to water me."
The trip last weekend was for a wedding, specifically Bossman's wedding. A lovely, lovely affair - large-ish guest count, Catholic mass, gorgeous reception at the Omni, lots of dancing...
More on that later. Just too tired to recount now.
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belenita's journal
